iPhone Battery To Suck Somewhat Less Than iPod Battery

Jerkoff Jobs announced this morning that the billion dollar mobile will exceed expectations, re: only lasting 2 hours before needing to be charged and work for a whopping eight hours between charges. Of course, this estimate works under the construct that from the second you turn your phone on at make a call—one call—you can talk for eight hours. But it doesn’t take into account that you might want to make use of some of the features you paid $500 for, like sending email, listening to music-- scrolling through songs, etc.

But let’s just take eight hours at face value—are we the only cynical, OCD assholes who would just as soon listen to music on iPods and email on Blackberrys (which last 16+hours), rather than pay for a screen that'll probably go to black at the most inopportune time and that’s going to have so many finger prints on it it’ll drive us insane (and: carry 80 things at once, since most of you are contractually obligated to carry a BBerry anyway, and it’ll be a dark day in hell before the banks start issuing iPhones)? I don’t think so.

Why then, are Wall Street’s analysts calling Apple at 160 and up and predicting that the ‘Phone will sell more than 40 million in 2009, lifting revenues more than 30% and earnings by 40%? A confluence of things, including the success of the iPod and the Mac, the monetization of geekdom, a growing segment of the population united in their hate of keyboards and the fact that Jobs, despite his laid back Mock Turtleneck/sneakers/501s demeanor, is a bit of an asshole, and assholes usually get what they want.

This is neither a judgment (if you know one thing about us it’s that assholes are our heroes) nor a statement not based on fact: John Heilemann writes today in New York that the “most common descriptor applied to [Jobs], by friends and foes and even Jobs himself is ‘asshole’.” His response to the question by a Wired writer, “If you could go back and give advice to 25-year-old self, what would you say?” was “Not to deal with stupid interviews—I have no time for this philosophical bullshit.” When he was asked by US assistant attorney general Joel Klein to get involved with the antitrust lawsuit against Microsoft, he asked, “Are you going to do something serious? Or is it going to be dickless?”

Mouthing off to U.S. Attorney: Assholeish or Heroish, you make the call. (We pick: C. All of the Above, but you know how us girls are attracted to assholes). And does it make you want to buy that thing?

http://dealbreaker.com/