Larry Ellison becomes Chief Monk Officer; Finds God

Belated April Fool: Larry Ellison over the weekend came to the startling yet enlightening realization that he is not God. As a result, Oracle's CEO has gone totally monastic.

Ellison's breakthrough occurred following a recent brain-glazing procedure. The billionaire software maker felt a slight, post-op twinge and then saw god before him. The god figure's absence of a beard or a Bill Gates complex convinced Ellison he was not looking at himself.

Frame of reference altered in a major way, Ellison now plans to become the world's best monk.

"Larry comes to us once or twice a year to make sure that his brain is in top condition," said Beverley Hills-based plastic surgeon Herm Deftouche. "We remove a large chunk of his skull and coat his brain with a proprietary mixture called Grey Batter. Like many of our clients, Larry thinks a well-polished, aristocratic brain gives him an edge over rivals. And, in actual fact, a shimmering brain is beyond spectacular."

A monkish Larry Ellison in robes firing lasers form his hands

Deftouche has characterized Ellison's god episode as a coincidence that has nothing to do with the brain-glazing operation.

"This is not some kind of side effect," he said. "Although, if it keeps happening and customers like it, I might consider changing my stance."

Ellison has ordered immediate work to begin on a $80m monastery in Woodside that will flank his current $30m Japan-inspired home.

On the business front, Ellison has decided that Oracle must return the numerous companies it has acquired over the past few years.

"The way of the new Larry requires that I make use only of that which I have created," Ellison told The Register. "To profit from the labor of others would not be in line with the high spirit's vibration."

Cisco CEO John Chambers has offered to set up a halfway house for companies stranded by Oracle's acquisition purge. "Somebody has to do something," Chambers said. "Larry has finally lost his mind."

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/04/01/larry_ellison_monk/